My thoughts on this question stem from a variety of places, experiences, and incidences. Most recently however there have been two incidences, so to speak, that sparked a conversation with my friend D. (I'll be using initials not real names of the people) along the lines of this question.
On Wednesday, in one of my classes, we were discussing aspects of research papers we all have to do (the class is about 12 people, so a discussion of this sort wasn't too cumbersome), and one person mentioned spousal abuse, particularly abuse of women in heterosexual relationships. This sparked an idea for a story or play about abuse in gay (or lesbian, etc) relationships.
Moving on to today...
There is a guy, M., I have chatted with online, and met up with a few times. Although two of those times resulted in sex (one for that reason alone), I have been primarily interested in a friendship with him. The non-sex time was helping him out by driving him to a friend's place. He even invited me to his birthday party in a couple months. Also the first time we met, we chatted, and drank, for a good couple hours (the drinking is what probably lead to the sex).
Well, today I sent a simple "Hey how goes it?" text to M.
The reply I got was: "This is [M.]s boyfriend...Can you please leave him alone! Ya i don't like when people hit on him it makes me angry......"
I was a little floored by this for a couple reasons. First M. hadn't told me he had a boyfriend (if he had, I'd not have had sex with him, just stuck to the developing a friendship), and second, it seemed a little extreme for what I intended to be a friendly question. My, as polite reply as I could provide, was: "To [M.]'s boyfriend: [M.] had not told me about you, and besides i'm just a friend."
To which I got: "well id appreciate if you dont talk to him anymore"
I didn't reply directly to that text, instead I sent M. an email summarizing what his boyfriend had texted. As well as stating that though I respect his boyfriend's opinions, I believe it should be upto M. himself to decide if he should stop talking with me. I repeated an earlier offer to give him a ride to an evening class/event if he so needed, and concluded by saying that I'll leave it to him to contact me. Then added PS's of wishing him well in his classes, and hope that his boyfriend treats him well.
As I felt floored by M.'s boyfriend's comments, I called up D. to go for coffee. In the discussions with him as to why I called him up, he commented on how contolling M.'s boyfriend sounded.
I try not to judge people before I meet them, but there are some things that I don't get / bother me. Controlling who someone else can and can't talk to is one of them. Now if M. doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine. But not telling me, or having someone else tell me in such a tone as those texts, is another thing that bothers me.
More to the point what bothers me, in regard to the second point above, is people not telling me directly - such as "please don't contact me again," or "it's over between us, good bye." I have had 2-3 people tell me to never contact them again, and I haven't (though I had thought at the time of writing a letter basically saying: thank you for letting me know / being truthful. I am sorry if I ever wronged you. As per your wishes I will not contact you again, though you are free to contact me. I wish you all the best). I have told a couple people never to contact me again, and as far as I recall they never have. And I have had a few guys I've dated stop contacting me / returning my calls. Eventually I gave up seeing if they were alright - I hardly pester people, and if so it would be out of good reason, such as concern for their well being.
Any how, I am trying not to judge M.'s boyfriend, or M. for that matter, but until I hear directly from M., if I see him in the street I will say hi.
There is more to this topic, personal experiences, I had thought of including, but it is late for me, and I made my point (rant).
For those that do read my blog, I would like to know your thoughts on this topic.
